Monday, September 29, 2008

They Mean God as a Metaphor, Jerkface!

I just signed up for the Google ad deal on my blog, where Google puts “appropriate” ads on your site. That’s fine. Being a blog about atheism, they put on an ad for “The Atheist’s Riddle.” I always thought the atheist’s riddle was the one that goes something like, “What is black and white and black and white and black and white?” “A nun falling down stairs.” So I thought I’d check out his web site and see if he was thinking of the same joke
It turns out that his joke was completely different. It was really long and convoluted, and while it had some very funny parts, it didn’t hold a candle to a nun falling down stairs.
It was a web site by a guy named Perry Marshall who wants to sell a four part lecture series about how scientists have irrefutably proven the existence of God. Really. When the COBE (Cosmic Background Explorer Satellite) project found evidence of the beginning of the Universe, astrophysicist George Smoot reportedly said, “What we have found is evidence of the birth of the Universe. It's like looking at God.”
Perry Marshall asserts that the statement means that Nobel Laureate George Smoot looked at the evidence of the Big Bang and saw God looking back. Now wait, before you question the veracity of Mr. Marshall, he then tells of a conversation with Geoffrey Burbridge, a member of George Smoot’s team, who when asked about the discovery, complained that all of his peers were rushing off to join the First Church of Christ of the Big Bang. So, there you have it, straight from the astrophysicists’ mouths. The COBE team saw God and then immediately ran off and joined a church.
Marshall reached the one and only logical conclusion: Big Bang =Jesus Christ. (I know, Smoot said he saw God, not Jesus, but it was from really far away, so it might have been Jesus, considering the family resemblance and all.)
If you’re not convinced yet, you cynic, Marshall also said Einstein predicted this very thing when he came up with his singularity equation! That’s when Ol’ Albert became convinced that God exists and that he created the Universe. That sure straightened me out on a couple of facts. I’d always heard that Einstein did not believe in the existence of God and, furthermore, God didn’t play dice either (although the dice thing seemed like an awfully obvious conclusion from such a brainy guy).
With all this enlightening information, I almost forgot to tell you the riddle: How did the Universe begin? The scientists don’t know. I told you the nun joke was better.
But wait! Perry Marshall knows the answer to the riddle. Since scientists can’t solve the riddle, the only possible conclusion you can reach is that God did it! And that proves that god exists! So there! Now, excuse me. I’m going to be sick.

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