Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How to Be a Real American

We all found out over the last few days that there are two Americas; real America and un-America or something like that. Sarah Palin, McCain senior advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer, and Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann all have made statements on behalf of the McCain-Palin campaign in which they refer to real Americans and the others, who are either implied or openly suggested to be un-American or even anti-American, apparently because they don’t want to vote for McCain (those evil, evil, un-Americans).
So, what does it take to be a real American?
1. You need to live in a small town, or maybe a city, as long as you live in a real American part of that city. But under no circumstances should you live in an anti-American city like New York City (or really any place on the East Coast north of Delaware and south of Maine, even as far inland as Washington DC) or Los Angeles (and people in San Francisco should just pack up and move to Godless-Homo-Commieland before election day).
2. You need to be a conservative evangelical Xian, because if you don’t believe literally some parts of the bible and ignore the parts that suggest you’re wrong or just sound too inconvenient, then you can’t be a real American. Also, although it’s not in the bible, you can’t kill any zygotes, but it’s ok because you’re allowed to kill most of them when they grow up.
3. Two out of three real Americans agree that you should try to ban all innocuous children’s fantasy movies because imaginary creatures remind real Americans of Satan, and we can’t have any of that! You should also advocate banning any books that you might disagree with, especially if they help someone deal with a disgusting, immoral, sickening, unspeakable, aberrant behavior (you know who you are).
4. You should be a hard working, blue collar, bring home the bacon kind of person who makes at least $250,000 a year because you need to like Bush’s tax cuts and hate Obama’s proposed tax cuts. Real Americans believe that rich people should pay a smaller percentage of their income in taxes so that they can use it for more important things like trickling down and giving huge donations to the Republican Party. Besides, people making 10% of that would waste any extra money they received on frivolous food and shelter anyway and giving them the tax breaks that G.W. Bush promised but never gave is the exact same thing as painting the country red, changing its name to Americommie, and calling everyone comrade.
5. Real Americans know that anti-Americans are trying to destroy this country, so you need to learn to distinguish between the two. Try some subtle questions like, “Which is better, the 10 commandments or the constitution?”, or “How old is the earth?”, or “Do you believe homosexuals should be allowed to marry, or should they have stakes driven through their hearts, be doused with gas, set on fire and be shipped off to Anti-American Homoland?”, for example.
So there you have it. If you don’t fit the above categories you’re not a real American and you should probably just leave or commit suicide or turn yourself in to the authorities for prosecution and deportation. Or you could vote against these hate-mongering bigots and make sure their names never appear on a ballot again.

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